Why are New Yorkers continually getting shafted when it comes to enjoying the best Goddamn burgers in the world?

I was in Texas for the Fourth of July holiday last week, in a cute little town called Willis on Lake Conroe, which is about 50 minutes north of Houston. The mini-vacation was phenomenal, as our days were jam-packed with boating, jetskiing (awesome), waterskiing (not so awesome) and just general relaxation in a beautiful house on the lake. I also had the pleasure of taking in an Astros game at Minute Maid Park, a very impressive baseball facility.

However, as great as all these activities were, there was one event in particular that changed my life forever: I ate at a Whataburger for the first time. I officially now know what food tastes like in heaven.

I savored my delectable bacon and cheese burger so much that I spilled ketchup-drenched onions all over the backseat of my girlfriend's sister's car. The experience was near-orgasmic. The second trip we made found us inside the restaurant, which was spotless, and after ordering our meals one of the employees came over to us with a tray full of condiments, including complimentary breath mints! What an establishment!

The last time I felt this sensation was when I first experienced In-N-Out Burger in Los Angeles two years ago. I loved In-N-Out so much that Jeremy and I ate it every night I was there. And Whataburger might be even better.

Unfortunately, the one horrible aspect of all of this is that not only are there obviously no Whataburger's or In-N-Out's in New York, but neither restaurant has a location anywhere even remotely close to the northeast! It's bad enough McDonald's never brought us the Angus Third Pounder. Do companies think New Yorkers just don't like burgers as much as the rest of the country? I find that hard to swallow. This continuing denial of savory, mouth-watering hamburgers to the denizens of New York is a bigger travesty than the decline of this blog.

According to Wikipedia, "One reason In-N-Out has not expanded rapidly is because their food is never frozen. The delivery trucks are only able to travel a limited distance from In-N-Out's sole meat packing plant, where the company does its own boning, grinding, and pattying of fresh beef chuck. Due to logistical and cost issues, it is not likely they will open other meat packing plants. This commitment to freshness has limited the restaurant's expansion to other states in the United States besides Utah, Arizona, Nevada, and California."

This is complete crap. You're telling me it's too expensive for In-N-Out to open a meatpacking plant on the East Coast? It's unfathomable to me that the owners are willing to ignore millions of dollars in profits. The "commitment to freshness" is commendable and obviously what makes the experience so great, but if the concept works in the second-largest city in the country, why not in the capital of the world?

And I'm not even sure what the hell Whataburger's excuse is. The one negative about In-N-Out is that it's owned by religious freaks, who probably think the East Coast is a den of sin and violence. But as far as I can tell, Whataburger has no reason to not come up north. It seems content to remain below the Mason-Dixon line, which again, makes zero sense considering the massive amount of mouths, dollars and non-racism it's missing out on.

I understand the companies wanting to ensure they have as much control over the process as possible and a preference to not dilute the brand, but my burger-jonesing self needs a Goddamn Whataburger and In-N-Out Burger in New York City.

I don't require an In-N-Out Burger or Whataburger on every single block like McDonald's. I'd even settle for one or two in the whole city. Could you imagine if either one of these delicious restaurants came to Manhattan? Fuck Shake Shack, people would be going out of their minds to experience the best fucking burgers in the country.