The New Yorker's Guide to Moving to Los Angeles
At last! An opportunity to post a sarcastic guide based on sweeping stereotypes in a thinly veiled effort to draw out the angry anonymii of the world. Thanks Larry, this has made my August.
1) Come up with lots of reasons why you're really unhappy about the move, but your job/significant other/desire for open and air and sunshine necessitated it. Be sure everyone knows that you will be moving back to New York shortly.
2) Hold on to your New York cell phone number as long as you can. Nothing lets your neighbors know you're better than them like forcing them to pay long distance to call you.
3) Quote Woody Allen on Los Angeles whenever possible. Because it's true. Our only cultural advantage is the right on red. We're eliminating the left we love it so much.
4) First winter in LA: wear shorts and mock those of us who need a sweater when temperatures drop to the sixties. Second winter: bundle up like a native, deny previous mockery, shiver.
5) Bitch about smoking rules and bars closing at two and people being shallow/fake/flakey. That's why you're not getting laid.
6) Wear a Yankees hat everywhere. Give up on the Knicks and become a Clippers fan. Lament the fact that sporting events start so effing early.
7) Discuss at length the superiority of pizza and bagels "back east" in "the city".
8) Sarcastically use words like "dude", "rad", or "gnarly". You see, there are only two kinds of people in Los Angeles, the siliconed and the surfers. The latter love hearing impressions of themselves, when they're not totally catching mondo waves with their brosephs.
9) Get a DUI. Hey, it's not your fault there's no reasonable form of public transportation in LA.
10) Give up on whatever you came to LA for, get married, move back to New York. Suburban New York.
posted by EmployeeMegan at 1:50 PM
19 Comments:
Love it! as a New Yorker dating an LA-transplant, I never knew how true the stereotypes were until recently. so sad. and yet, so amusing.
"LA SUCKS AZZCRACK"!
Oh, that's what you say now, Sidd. Until one day you move there (it always happens) and you're out doing something really ridiculously LA- sitting on a beach, sipping Jamba Juice, applying self-tanner and reading a script (yes, you'll have the three hands necessary to achieve this). THEN you'll say "LA sucks azzcrack".
Sure, it'll still suck. But it'll suck uncapped, sans exclamation point.
That was just my typical die hard New Yorker comment. :) The Capitalist pig in me will sell out for right amount of money. :D My last 2 selling out ventures worked out pretty good. Funny, there's a Jamba Juice place within 3-5 blocks of my place. Maybe that's a sign. :O
1) This could be true of a New yorker moving to ANY city. Miami, definitely, is included
2) Winters are freezing in LA no matter where you're form. the whether there is but one of its many overrated aspects
3) There is absolutely no excuse for moving to LA. I am not a New York apologist by any stretch, but I will take the cold winters, crowds and lack of sunlight over that cesspool of filth and crime mascarading as America's second largest city. In short, Fuck LA.
1) True enough. Self-important bastards.
2) Winters are freezing in LA for a Floridian. I'd say weather is the only thing here that isn't overrated, because it all comes down to humidity.
3) Amen. Everyone, fuck LA! Seriously. Stop moving here. Especially the aspiring writers. We have enough.
Oh, and Sidd, see you here soon. ;-)
Assuming I'll be alive long enuff, see you in 20-30 yrs. :D
If you live someplace you profess to despise for the sake of an employment opportunity, doesn't that sort of make you a whore? Just asking.
Awesome! I love how New Yorkers love to hate on LA. Sounds like some sort of neurotic insecurity. Angelenos don't spend nearly as much time ripping on NYC, they just don't give a shit. Call it a healthy ambivalence. Therapy would be cheaper but go ahead and enjoy yourself, waste your breath/words ripping apart LA. It'll make amusing fodder at the beach in January.
I love when New Yorkers visit Los Angeles, go to Hollywood and Highland, maybe some clubs on the Strip, shop at Rodeo Drive, and go to the beach in Santa Monica, and go home saying "God, LA is so fake/plastic/sunbaked/blah blah blah"
That's like an Angeleno visiting Times Square and saying NY is too touristy and has too many ads.
I'm with EmployeeMegan. Please don't move here and I'm hoping to have another earthquake to clear out some more of you pussies. I am so bored with the LA/NY fight. Two different cities, topographically, length of being in existence, architechturally. I love NY and I love LA. Get a hobby people.
Few people in Los Angeles are actually native Angelenos, so when you bash them you're basically bashing New Yorkers/Bostonians/Southerners/Aliens/Whatever.
And tls, we are SO due for an earthquake.
Great post...NY's worst export is its people. On the other hand, NY's greatest quality is its people.
I think many or most of NY's exported people are utterly disliked in any location. In closing, asshole NY'ers living in LA or other cities, are what makes NYC truly great.
Yes, the bagels and pizza here in L.A. are not up to snuff.
But try finding some decent mole poblano, birria, or even a flipping burrito anywhere in your five boros. Sorry, it ain't happening.
And I'd stack up any of the Chinese food in the San Gabriel Valley against anything in your quaint little Chinatown.
And yes, we do have ONE subway line now! And that goes anywhere that's worth going. Gnarly, dude.
Uh, the photo at the top of the page of the skyline of lower Manhattan is outdated. Hint: 9-11.
Uh, I didn't put it there, but I'm sure Larry is aware.
My dad(LA) can beat up your dad(NY). Are you kidding me?
When I lived in NH, New Yorkers were despised. When I lived in SF, New Yorkers were despised. Same in FL. Now I live in LA. See a pattern here? Stay in New York!
Love #6. I find it amusing that transplants cannot become Lakers fans...
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