Flipping the fuck out

My name is Larry, and I can't stop thinking about cartwheels, somersaults and backflips.

Real Ultimate Power references aside, I've recently found myself inexplicably obsessed with these three particular athletic maneuvers. Why? I'm not really sure if the explanation will make any sense, but humor-wise it's in the same vein of loving Chomp Champ and other obscure things of that nature. I mean, what the hell kind of name is "somersault" anyway? Cartwheels and backflips at least ring true.

Think about it this way: Imagine finding something out, be it good or bad news, and feeling so very strongly about it that your emotions simply can't manifest themselves in any other form than cartwheeling, somersaulting or backflipping? Like, you have absolutely no other recourse but to literally flip the fuck out!

A few days ago Dave was telling me about the new Apple Store where FAO Schwartz used to be and how it's supposedly open 24/7. Neither of us were entirely sure what kind of person is desperately in need of an iPod at three in the morning on a Tuesday, but we both surmised that the prospect of the store never closing would almost certainly be too much for people to handle, and that were we to venture over there on a random weekday night, upon entering the store everyone would most certainly be cartwheeling and backflipping all over the damn place.

I truly believe the world needs more cartwheeling, somersaulting and backflipping. Imagine some baseball player hits a home run and is so fucking excited that rather than breaking into a home run trot he starts cartwheeling around the damn bases? No one would have any idea what to think! That baseball player's flipping out would force fans to flip the fuck out and pretty soon the entire stadium would be executing nonstop backflips and somersaults.

My obsession with cartwheeling has also begun to pervade the nation's consciousness. As I was walking by one of the playgrounds in Stuy Town this past weekend, I observed a very cute mom literally teaching a group of children how to cartwheel! And then she herself performed a perfect cartwheel. I think my heart seriously skipped a beat and I was close to running over to her to ask for her hand in marriage but realized (a) she was probably already spoken for, and (b) were she available, I'm not sure I should be raising someone else's kid.

Though possibly the most amusing exchange I've had regarding cartwheeling and the like over the last few days was on Saturday night, as a friend of Alec's overheard Dave and I ranting and raving about flipping the fuck out, and kindly offered to perform a cartwheel right then and there on Houston Street. Oddly enough, even though we didn't even ask her to do one and expressed appreciation for her offer, she quickly renegged and claimed that we were actually the instigators!

Here's how the conversation went:

Amy: (Sweetly demure) I have absolutely no problem with doing a cartwheel for you right here and now if you want. I don't care that we're on the sidewalk and the fact that there's a high likelihood I'll cut my hands. I specifically am offering my cartwheel services despite your lack of a request for one.
Me: (Genuinely appreciative) Really? That's be so great! I'd love to see you do a cartwheel!
Amy: (All of a sudden super-defensive) How DARE you peer pressure me into doing a cartwheel?

Unfortunately Amy failed to perform a cartwheel, which most certainly would have secured her a permanent place in my memory. How the hell often do you see someone cartwheeling down Houston Street at 2 a.m.? Not very often. In fact, had she done one, I almost certainly would've started flipping the fuck out myself, and I can't even do a cartwheel.