An ode to juicy, delicious red meat

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine this scene: You're in the backyard, shirt off, beer in hand. It's a perfect summer day - 85 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. A couple of old college friends are over and you light up the grill. The day couldn't get any better. Until some loser one of your chump friends brought along announces: "Who wants a wheatgrass dog or hay burger?"

There are many things in this world that I find odd, but there may be no life decision more vexing than actively deciding not to eat meat. I flat-out do not understand why any human being would choose to be a vegetarian.

While I can't say I particularly give a shit about animals one way or another (with the exception of golden retrievers. Love those goldens), I'm also not an animal hater. However, considering that animals taste awesome, I can't shed any tears for a cow, especially when I'm chomping on a delicious steak. Think about it - what's better than steak? Nothing. It may very well be the greatest food of all time.

If not eating meat is a health or allergy thing, I can get behind that. But if you're simply being an annoying hippie, you're just wasting your time. Life's too short not to be chowing down on filet mignons, pork, venison, caribou and baby seal every second of every day. Like my buddy Dave is fond of saying, "If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?"

I don't even know what I would eat if I were a vegetarian. I fucking hate salad. "Hmm, I'm really hungry, what do I want for dinner? Oh, I know, a big pile of lettuce!" I might as well be eating air, because it sure as hell has more taste. And I certainly couldn't date a vegetarian. I'd constantly be making fun of her.

"Yea, so I don't eat meat."

I'm not sure I'd be able to elicit a response through my laughter. She won't have a satisfactory explanation, that's for damn sure.

And coming full circle, vegetarians are missing out on one of the most classic traditions of all time - the summer barbeque. And don't give me any of this tofuburger shit. Your organic crap is probably worse for you in the long run. What's more relaxing than hanging out with your friends on a gorgeous summer afternoon, grilling up burgers and dogs and downing beers? Not much, bitches. Not much at all.