Buy me some peanuts and shut the fuck up

As a huge Yankee fan, there is almost nothing I love more than attending a game at Yankee Stadium. I have no way of knowing for sure, but I would guess that I've attended well over 100 games in my lifetime, and the building really feels like a home away from home. I had the pleasure of attending the Yanks-Orioles game Friday night, and even though the last time I had been to the stadium was in September, it still felt like it had been well over a year. Winter really has a way of completely warping one's perspective, huh?

Needless to say, I had a huge grin on my face as I entered my seating area, took in the outfield grass, infield dirt and general stadium ambience and peered into the dugout to silently say hello to the boys. All was well with the world. Hell, even the Yankees' PA announcer, 95-year-old Bob Sheppard, "the voice of God," was back where he belonged after missing the first three home games due to a bad hip.

I know non-Yankee fans love to hate on the team, but there are certain aspects of attending a game at Yankee Stadium that even baseball fans have to love or should at least be able to appreciate: The fact that we have a nonagenarian as our emcee; the lack of last names on both home and visiting uniforms (though it appears the Dodgers have recently embraced nonidentification on the road as well); our seats all sharing the same color; Monument Park in left field, The Black in center and the short porch in right; and of course, the Bleacher Creatures' roll call upon the first pitch of every game. Seeing these larger-than-life players acknowledge the fans with a wave of the glove still makes me smile every time.

However, despite all this mushy sentimentality (if you're still with me, surely you're asking yourself "Considering the title of this post has 'fuck' in it, how the hell has he written over 300 words without swearing yet?"), there are several seriously annoying aspects of attending a Yankee game in person, and the whole experience would be far better off if whoever is in charge of this tripe would just cut the shit.

1) I know it's a tradition that's been around forever, but what the fuck is the point of playing the National Anthem before any and all sporting events? Did I miss something, but what the hell do sports and our forefathers telling the British to fuck off have anything to do with each other? You don't see me feeling the need to belt out "America the Beautiful" before I go out to shoot some fucking hoops.

When I get out to the ballpark the last thing I wanna do after waiting on the slowest line in American history to piss away $13 on awesome chicken fingers and fries is to stand my ass up and listen to some shitty rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner." I've got food to fucking eat.

2) The Subway Race is a tried-and-true classic, so that can stay, but for the love of all things holy, can we get rid of the fucking YMCA already? Enough is enough. No one cares. No one liked that song when it came out in the 70s, no one liked it when Yankee Stadium decided to revive it back in '96 and no one likes it now. It sucks. Anyone who participates in YMCA between the 5th and 6th inning should not be attending a baseball game, because your brain clearly has been replaced with sandpaper.

3) Thankfully this doesn't occur too often, but it reared its ugly head Friday and is sure to make future appearances as the Stadium continues to pack in fucking retards. That's right, I'm talking about the Goddamn Wave. No self-respecting baseball fan does that shit. Leave that bullshit to the National League - if I had to watch my pitchers waste at-bats I'd be bored as fuck too.

4) In line with #1, I can't fathom why the Yanks insist on being the only team that still plays "God Bless America" at the 7th inning stretch. Sure, this made sense right after 9/11, but now the shit's just getting tired. I don't like patriotism being forced on me; I can acknowledge my country in my own way without getting it shoved down my throat. And again, I'm at a fucking baseball game, not a funeral.

5) Someone please decapitate Cotton Eye Joe. Why anyone with any authority whatsoever at the Stadium thinks this utterly wretched song would appeal to any human being with even a shred of dignity is ludicrous, and the fact that they pay some dickhead to dance around like a fucktard in the control room is just hateful.

Fortunately these annoyances generally take a backseat near the end of the game. I'll never get tired of hearing "Enter Sandman" come on as Mo jogs to the mound, and nothing says "What a great fucking night at the ballpark" like hearing Sinatra croon "New York, New York" 8,000 times in a row after a Yankee victory. Hell, even Liza "The Yankees just lost" Minelli's rendition is better than Cotton Eye Fuckface.