Fat White Guy and Smarmy Asian Dude in "Two Dickheads"

An unavoidable negative aspect of being glued to the NCAA Tournament these last two weeks has been the absolutely disgusting amount of commercial breaks viewers have been subjected to. As if the plethora of TV timeouts weren’t frustrating enough, CBS’ sponsors seem intent on leaving me no choice but to gouge my eyeballs out with a Q-Tip as a result of the repeated airings of the most annoying commercials known to man.

Singling out the one ad campaign most likely to make a viewer prefer being strapped down in a small, dark cell with their eyelids forced open “Clockwork Orange”-style and an unending loop of “Simpsons” circa seasons 9-17 projected onto a giant screen isn’t exactly the easiest task in the world, as there are plenty of worthy candidates (I’m looking at you, DirecTV), but for my money no one takes the cake for sheer stupidity over Cingular’s “Two Dickheads” series of ads.

Who exactly are these ads supposed to appeal to? What an obnoxious formula — let’s put two assholes together, one’s a Smarmy Asian Dude and the other’s a dimwitted Fat White Man, and we’ll have the Asian dude constantly put the White Guy down for not opting to switch to Cingular as his wireless provider.

There is absolutely nothing believable about these commercials. It’s not even clear why the fuck these two dickheads are even friends. If I’m Fat White Dude I would’ve gotten way tired of my asshole friend endlessly pushing Cingular on me. Additionally, shouldn’t Fat White be wondering when the hell his so-called best friend became a pitch man for Cingular?

And in that same vein, when is Cingular going to realize Smarmy Asian is the worst Cingular salesman of all time? He only tries to push Cingular on one person, and despite his smug, tireless efforts, Fat White still isn’t biting. By my estimation Smarmy Asian has been pimping Cingular for over a year and is still batting .000.

I guess the reason these two assholes hang out together is because they need each other. Fat White clearly wants to be accepted by Smarmy Asian, between idiotically painting his body and reading the newspaper to his lover, while Smarmy Asian needs Fat White’s low IQ to make him feel better about the shitty job he’s doing convincing people to switch to Cingular.

My advice to Fat White? Hanging out with someone who is constantly making fun of you is terrible for your self-esteem. Smarmy doesn’t respect you, and uttering inanities such as “I only carry a phone because it’s shiny” makes you sound like a retarded third-grader and an actual retarded third-grader look like Steven Hawking. And for Smarmy: Beating up on Fat White has to get old eventually, no? At least try to expand your circle of friends so everyone can get in on the Fat White Dude bashing.