Abraham Lincoln v. Bear

About a month ago I discovered a website called ChompChamp. ChompChamp is a marketing tool created by Ruby Tuesday's in which players have the ability to compete as characters such as Abraham Lincoln or a Bear in a burger-eating contest. Now given my group of friends' sense of humor, ChompChamp had the potential to be the greatest website of all time. For starters, we have this bizarre obsession with the nonword "ch [fill in vowel of choice] mp," as in champ, chemp (not a word yet, but give it time), chimp, chomp and chump. Really, is there any other word in the English language that you can swap out the middle letter and replace it with any vowel?

Additionally, we're also quite fond of referring to ingesting food as "chomping" on something. So you can see why something called "ChompChamp" would have an outrageous amount of appeal. However, despite the seeming can't-fail nature of this ingenious website, my buddy Dave and I found a remarkable lack of inconsistencies and areas where the developers were just downright lazy. As such, Dave penned a missive to ChompChamp informing them that while the site was terrific in concept, the execution was significantly lacking.

Dave never heard back, inspiring the two of us to collaborate on a second letter to ChompChamp, urging them to see the error of their ways. I have no idea if any of you will find this funny, but if you can see the humor in sending unsolicited marketing advice to a company that has almost nothing invested in its product, then you'll probably enjoy this:

"Att: ChompChamp

Dear ChompChamp division of Ruby Tuesday,

This is the second email that we have bothered to write, showing we clearly have developed an unhealthy fondness for ChompChamp. Apparently you're all too busy chomping on burgers to respond in a timely fashion.

My associate, Larry of the world-famous thisiswhatwedonow.com blog (winner of Gridskipper's 2005 Urban Blog of the Year) and I would like to voice our extreme disappointment at ChompChamp. As we expressed in the first letter, we feel that ChompChamp had the potential to be one of if not THE finest websites on the web. Abe Lincoln vs. a Bear in a burger chomping contest? Pure genius!

But unfortunately you have failed to fully take advantage of this wonderful concept. First of all, it takes an unrealistically long time for the contestants to actually finish chomping on their burgers. We could gnaw our own arms off at a faster clip.

Secondly, you completely gave up on giving the contestants amusing catchphrases. Having each chomper say the same thing with every press of the arrow key is extremely obnoxious and borderline inhumane. Also, while inserting Abe Lincoln into the game was a stroke of unadultered gumption and grit, you failed to include other vital characters from the annals of global histoy, such as Moses, Henry VIII and a velociraptor.

But quite possibly the most galling facet of your website is the old timey Carny that introduces the user to ChompChamp. Everyone knows the 1930s was the most vital decade in this nation's checkered history, and nothing says funny like a man with a handlebar moustache and top hat. But once again you guys apparently chose apathy and sloth over ingenuity and creativity by making him say "ChompChamp's the name, puttin' 'em away is the game," when we all know he should have been saying "ChompChamp's the game, CHOMPING's the game."

We have no doubt that you will rectify this situation posthaste.

With greatest respect and best wishes,

Dave and Larry

P.S. We shall assume for the time being that our previous communique was merely overlooked in the pomp and circumstance of ChompChamp's sensational rise to fame. Our doubts about your sincerity will be quelled upon receipt of a response and satisfactory correction of the wrongs outlined in the above letter."