This is going to be the best fucking New Year's ever
I mean it.This is going to be the best fucking New Year's ever.
I'm not fucking around. I promised myself I'd get my shit together to make sure I have the best fucking time possible. Last year I didn't decide where I wanted to go until like three days before, and all the best parties were sold out. That's piss poor. I don't care if I have to kill my drug dealer to gain entrance; nothing's stopping me from getting severely wasted and scoring some sweet tail in a popular bar.
There's nothing better than spending the most overhyped night of the year in the company of hundreds of people I don't give a shit about. Especially since I'm paying $150 for two hours of open bar. It's not like I'm going to be jockeying for position with 36 Japs, waiting to order yet another watered-down drink. Plus, I heard everything's available during open bar, including top shelf!
No one on earth will have a better time than me.
It's incredibly important to me to enjoy New Year's Eve at a disgustingly trendy club with a one-syllable name. Come on, you know the place is gonna be cool; they make people freeze their asses off waiting in line just to get in! Also, my cousin told me Lindsay Lohan's gonna be there.
I'm going to make out with Lindsay Lohan at Midnight. But only after I hook up with every single girl in the bar.
Who's going to be able to resist my slicked-back hair, striped shirt, Sevens and mediocre looks? The ladies are going to form a line faster than you can say "free coke!" once I bust out the wad of $100s my dad gave me to keep the 500%- marked up Belv flowing at my table.
I have to overcompensate because I'm ugly.
After I hook up with every girl in the bar, I'm going to let a lucky few blast lines of yay off my rod prior to going down on me. I'm going to finish eight bottles of vodka by myself, but I'm not going to throw up, because vomiting is for pussies.
Once I finally leave the bar at 8am - only vaginas go home before sunrise on fucking New Year's - I'll take a couple of bitches home and fuck them raw six ways from Sunday. I hate condoms, and am immune to STDs.
After I kick my sluts out, I'm going to pass out for 15 hours and wake up with the worst fucking hangover of all time. I'm not shitting you, no one will ever have had a hangover this bad. It'll be so fucking awful, but I'll still go out that night, because I can drink more than you. I'll call in sick the next day and not only will my boss understand, he'll give me a raise for being the coolest fucking person on the planet.
Why? Because it's fucking New Year's!
posted by LA at 7:07 AM
12 Comments:
If your awesome plans include "buying a ticket" to a party, then I can almost guarantee your New Year's will still suck.
Just sayin'..
chivalry is NOT dead...
hysterical. sadly, for many people, it's 100% accurate as well. don't you just love nyc? :)
i can one-up you though - this year i'm a bridesmaid. on new years eve. in albany. without a date.
ugh.
Who's going to be able to resist my slicked-back hair, striped shirt, Sevens and mediocre looks?
So true. Interesting that you only see ugly dudes dressed up like that. Shouldn't they take a lesson from decent-looking people that this ridiculous Murray Hill/Long Island uniform smacks of desperation?
Angelina, my dear, if this were anything close to the way I'd be spending my New Year's, I wouldn't even be able to type because I'd have already hung myself.
guys wear seven jeans? I didn't know that. Now I know what to look for on my next trip to Marshall's.
TAN, if you're swinging by the store, just ask for me. I'll hook you up with the phat discount.
"It's never not new years" My favorite Larry quote ever.
phew...
What an asshole you are.
Dude you're fucking retarted
i laughed my ass off, (look i even typed it in words) god who says retarted? its a d not a t retard. Anyway that was funny.
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