The Single Guy's Guide to Stringing Women Along
1) Be evasive. Never commit to plans in advance; it will be your death knell. Employ the phrase "let's play it by ear" judiciously. Additionally, if your boys find out you're ditching them on a weekend night for the ugly girl you bang, you will never hear the end of it.2) Act completely uninterested 99% of the time the two of you spend together. Everyone knows that the worse you treat someone, the more they want you. Start out by ignoring her calls and you'll get a handjob; piss on her mom's grave and you'll be knee deep in ass plunderage.
3) If she asks why the two of you can't date, write an incredibly detailed list of all the attributes you most desire in a member of the opposite sex and ask her how many of those qualities she possesses. Zero can be a harsh reality.
4) If you're feeling smothered, get absolutely plastered Friday night to the point of being bed-ridden all of Saturday, enabling you to guiltlessly avoid hanging out with her for the remainder of the weekend. "That's sweet that you want to take care of me, but I'd really rather you didn't see me in such horrible shape."
5) Remember, there's a reason you're stringing her along: you don't see a serious relationship forming. However, to continue unemotionally fucking, you'll have to occasionally suffer a weeknight sleepover. For those not dating anyone they actually care about this can be incredibly painful, but if you want to continue having drunken sex at 3 a.m. Saturday night it's a necessary evil.
6) In conjunction with #5, don't let her continue to sleep in the morning if you have to leave for work unless you know you'll come home to find your bed made and the shorts you gave her folded and not tossed on the floor.
7) Completely lose interest in her the moment you come. Go IM people, toss on the TV, bake cookies - she's your fuck buddy, and even if she doesn't see things the same way, you've got shit to do.
8) Don't tell her you love her. This is just sheer lunacy, and may get you one or two more rolls in the hay, but is 100% not worth it.
9) If she starts losing interest, hem and haw your way into convincing her the two of you might actually have a future.
10) Enjoy it for as long as you can. She'll figure you out eventually; they always do.
posted by LA at 7:06 PM
44 Comments:
Wow! I'm never dating anyone ever again.
i think i'm in love with you
Tomorrow, I won't remember a word you typed in this article, but I will certainly remember the set of tits you pasted above. Wow! What a rack!!!
Sorry, I am feeling real shallow tonight. Thanks for the pick me up laugh.
very funny - i forwarded it to your mom and grandmother.
honestly... i don't know who on earth you think you are... i have seen pictures of you and there is no way in hell you are attractive enough by any means to even get a girl to sleep with you, let alone to "string them along." you're not impressing anyone. get a life.
Well guess what, I've seen him in person more than once and I think he's quite dapper! Maybe you have hurrendous taste. Also some people aren't very photogenic, did you ever stop to think of that? I suppose not.
Tsk, tsk. Methinks you need a good pussy-whipping.
someone as cocky as you should at LEAST be SOMEWHAT decent looking... but i too, have seen pictures, and pretty much vomited at the sight. you are a disgusting person inside and out. keep TRYING to write in order to get your sexual frustration out... clearly, you aren't getting any, and are hoping that this will make you feel better. good luck with that, loser.
haha, wow.
The best part of your plan is that the worse you treat one woman, the more other women want to be mistreated by you too. It really is endless fun.
What's with all the anonymous commenting on this blog?
hmm, you sound like quite the loser. I wonder if you'll ever meet your "ideal woman" because of the way you talk about them. Grow up.
Now now people, to all the “anonymous” that hate on this blog or post so much. IT’S JUST A FUCKING BLOG. It’s really not that serious. I just don’t get it, if you don’t like a certain blog why read it, further more why take time out of your life to comment on the fact that you don’t like it? Just move along to the next one. So please just put down the haterade and slowly walk away. If you don’t have anything else better to do with your life than read a blog you don’t like just to comment on it, then YOU are truly the loser.
jeez, the anonymous hate is running rampant. i say you take this all one step further and throw another girl into the mix. that can really spice up the stringing along routine.
hey all you 'anonymous' haters...ever hear of something called sarcasm?
personally, i thought it was hysterical, but i'm waiting on another subway rant...pretty please? timing's dead on with the impending strike..... :)
Haha.
You forgot about showing up at her doorstep at 3am, beligerent and stoned, and ask her for a place to crash while you gather your thoughts about why you didn't go home with a different girl that night.
I'm still staring at those breasts. Are those yours?
at least broadcast a pair of real tits to "string along"! haha
What a disgusting and pathetic rant. Clearly you never have or will have a happy or healthy relationship with anyone.
HEY! ..I want to see a picture
oh and you will be happy to know that MANY men in Chicago are heeding your advice!!!
I want to read the flip side to this...Single/Taken girl's guide to Stringing Dudes Along (yes we do it when we're in relationships as well...juuust in case that fateful break-up comes along and we need a quicky shag from an ex-hookup). And though guys may be harder to string along, once you've got them, they virtually never leave!
I thought we agreed those pictures of me were not going to be posted on your blog?
Amazingly, the model for those breasts is the same Stumpy from this previous post: http://tinyurl.com/9fvpt
Perhaps you should rename this column "Guide to Dating for Ugly Men with Freakishly Small Penises" or "Larry's Guide to Dating"
In the words of the author himself, "Karma's a bitch". Right Larry?
Wow, I don't know that I've written anything before that has inspired such scathing anonymous commenting sans a link from a bigger blog. I love you all!
One of the few rational anonymouses above made the sharp observation that the genders could very easily be flipped. It's not as if this is solely a male-engineered phenomenon.
Sarcasm is fantastic - well written - truly ridiculous :)
That said, I'm with Alison, where's our "WTF is up with this fucking MTA strike???" rant?
--DL
Thank you, DL. Not sure who you are, but it's nice to see someone sort-of-unafraid to stand by their words.
I was thinking about an MTA strike post. It might be high time for a little sequel action to the Guide to the Subway, though it'll probably hinge on whether or not the strike actually goes down.
Sorry... I was the lazy "anonymous" bastard that was the third to comment yesterday (declared my love for the tits).
I wanted to comment on the anpnymous hater above... GET- A- LIFE and a sense of humor.
Uhg! Guess I need to get a spell checker... lol
Some people just don't get your joke, do they?
You are fuckin' hilarious. I mean, for a straight guy.
Totally going on my blogroll.
Geez. A lot of these people need to relax.
However, this post did make me sob myself to death, and I'm now convinced that I'm going to die alone.
Thank you, DL. Not sure who you are, but it's nice to see someone sort-of-unafraid to stand by their words.
You're welcome. I figure anything worth saying is worth saying as yourself. If you have to hide behind "Anonymous" completely, then what's the point?
So does it help if I write an uber critical comment and end it with a "-Michelle"? It's never truly standing behind your words online, now is it?
Sure, Michelle, but then the question becomes, if you diagree with me so thoroughly, why are you bothering to read what I have to say in the first place?
The truth of the matter is, you don't know me from a hole in the wall, and clearly you're intrigued enough to take the time to comment here. If you actually went out for drinks with me, I guarantee I'd win you over, because after all is said and done, I'm that fucking awesome.
First off, I'm the "michelle" anonymous and that was my first post so I am unaware of the stance of the other people. But maybe I do know you, and feel it my duty to provide your fans with the truth about the way you are in real life...despite this reputation you've created for yourself in internet world. It seems that the people who commented anonymously do in fact know you from a hole in the wall. Just a guess. I can't imagine why else they feel so passionately about bringing you down.
Scorned woman??? Geeez!
Yes, there are women who act like this, too. But there are also plenty of women (and men) who don't. Sooner or later, the latter group end up in healthy relationships where they appreciate each other. The former group keep meeting each other, getting burned by each other, and can't understand why they can't meet anyone nice.
Until you let your guard down, see people as individuals and treat them nicely, you will get exactly the person you deserve - a jerk.
That's OK, baby. You're still great in the sack, even if you are a jerk. ;-D
Is is apparent that the young people posting their inane comments here have entirely TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS!
Sadly, I find this all to be all too true and frankly it blows goats. And totally does a girl's head in.
Can you see that has hit a nerve with me!
Top marks for observation...let's fuck
Hey, to all the haters. I've been on both sides of the coin, have strung a girl along once and have had my heart strung a ton of times. No offense ladies, you guys fucking deserve it, if I had a dollar for every time you guys do this to men, specially in New York, I'd have quite a bit of money. 80% of women love a jerk and the nice guys finish last. So preach on brother, no one is guilt free in this town... its a war zone in NYC.
Honesty is underated, try it some day.
wayhey a yank that uses sarcasm, a rare find
I'm gonna have to print this out and carry a copy with me at all times. I've always been a pretty upstanding guy, but I've recently decided to string someone along, for really the first time in my life. This advice will come in handy...
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