Perfectly acceptable behavior when out in a social setting or drinking establishment
1) If you’re overweight to the point that your gut sticks out further than your breasts, you should definitely be wearing that tube top.2) Claim you “recently quit” and that you only smoke socially while bumming half a pack of cigarettes.
3) Arrange a night of dancing with the girls. Ask why I’m laughing after telling me your plans. Wonder why there are no good straight dancers.
4) Go out to a group dinner. Take 20 minutes to divvy up the check. Pay less than what you owe.
5) Don’t tip your bartender; it’s so crowded in here they’ll never notice.
6) When tending bar, get drunker than your patrons. They’ll never notice.
7) Charge more than $5 for a domestic beer.
8) When ordering rounds, be the last guy in the rotation so that your friends will be too drunk to realize you haven’t gotten a round yet.
9) Only drink wine.
10) If a friend has dragged you to a bar you don’t particularly like, don’t even make an attempt to enjoy yourself.
11) Hang out on the Upper East Side.
12) This is very important: Don’t even think about RSVPing for a party. No one cool RSVPs, anyway. When invited to a house party, don’t show up. To really make an impression, show your friends just how much you care by saying you’ll come and then don’t bother.
13) If a bouncer rejects your fake, argue with them. You’re obviously more qualified for the job than they are.
14) Enjoy dimly-lit, ridiculously crowded watering holes with music so loud you’ll break your larynx attempting to talk. Bonus: Scream/sing “Livin’ on a Prayer” at 3 a.m. with 100 people you’ve never met. Double bonus: Secretly look forward to doing so. Triple bonus: Pay a $20 cover.
15) Be really bad at karaoke and sign up for 18 songs. Bonus: Boo someone you don’t know.
16) Play pool when the bar is clearly too crowded. Ask me to move out of your cue’s way.
17) If you’re a bar, have a bathroom attendant. Bonus: Talk to me while I’m relieving myself.
18) Don’t leave the confines of your social circle. Question why no members of the opposite sex are talking to you.
19) Wake up with a massive hangover and claim you’re never drinking again. Bonus: You really mean it this time.
posted by LA at 7:19 AM
9 Comments:
17/19. I've never tended bar
I love this list. I want to hang out with whoever wrote this list. Seriously. You are right up my alley.
I'm so good at #8. I hope none of my friends read this blog.
Only 12/19, but I've got an arsenal of ways I'm a total douche bag every night that didn't make the list.
It's pretty much imperative to argue with a bouncer if you're under age and he rejects your ID. Especially if he CONFISCATES the fucker; I mean, you've got to at least insult someone, feign indignation, and/or make him threaten to arrest/beat your ass. Especially on Martha's Vineyard.. in 1997.. Damn bouncers.. As Thornton Mellon said, "Do not go gently into that goodnight.."
#8 never works for me, b/c the guys know I won't buy a round, so they won't include in the "round buying". Assholes.
Oh, also, please, please stand outside of HiFi at 3:30 AM and play a game of catch with a baseball, throwing it across the street, and please be so drunk that you miss the ball 95% of the time so it hits the gate on my building with the loudest fucking noise in the world. And then, when I come down and ask you nicely if you and your fucking frat-boy, rich-ass-parented NYU attending waste-of-money degreeing guys could kindly stop; threaten me by throwing the baseball right at my face. Sorry you were so drunk you missed, and I hope you didn't barf in the cop car on the way to the station.
Also, know that I can hear EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION that you and your drunk idiot girlfriends have because of an odd acoustic anamoly...so YES, he did fuck your best friend, NO you should not go home with him, NO he will not call you like he promises, YES you are a slut, no Julie is not telling the truth, and byt the way, SHUT THE FUCK UP, no one cares, don't let the East Village door hit you in the ass on your ride back to Astoria, the Upper East Side, or Brooklyn.
God, I feel better.
I think you forgot one. Sign up for frequent guest bartending stints at places like Black Fin, McFaddens, Mad River, or Turtle Bay, then send aggressive emails (even better, evites) to 150 of your closest friends demanding they come support you on a Monday night. Then refuse to pour free shots for those friends that DO show up.
I definitely unintentionally left off some good ones, yours included Katie - perhaps I'll do an addendum to this post at some point.
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