I have a fucking blog

People give a shit about my opinions.

I'm not like every other asshole who thinks the world needs to know about the innermost details of their pitiful lives. I'm fucking funny. When a reader sees me at a bar or a party, they promptly buy me 12 shots of Jack and try to tell me how funny I am, but it's a tricky balancing act when you have my cock in your mouth. My sardonic wit and extensive vocabulary make women so wet that if my blog were the lead singer of an 80s hair band you wouldn't be able to read this post because it'd be covered in panties.

I am so fucking smart.

Did I tell you how smart I am? My intelligence is astronomically superior to the collective IQ of my massive readership. Most of the time I'll write a post that's so fucking genius 90% of you won't get it, especially the anonymous commenters. I heartily chuckle at those of you who oppose my opinion or attempt to insult me with your torpid diatribes. Your heads are so far up my ass I bet you don't even know what torpid means.

I've been blogging since before you were a twinkle in my Goddamn eye.

I have over 5,000 Technorati links, although all of them are from shitty blogs that get updated three times a year. I update mine on a daily basis, because my readership can't bear the thought of going a day without my snarky take on life. I get 100,000 hits a day. I have a book deal. Alexa whimpers like a little bitch when I come over and quickly drops trou while I pound its asshole into next century.

If you link to my blog, I will not link you back. If you're fortunate enough to be on my blogroll, I will send you millions of hits a month. I can make or break a blog. In case you forgot, I have a book deal. My penis is so gargantuan that I occasionally let it write entire posts.

All the popular blogs sweat the shit out of me. I've been linked by Gawker 1,400 times. Foxy Jess has a crush on me. I can take a dump, extricate my feces from the toliet bowl and smear them all over my computer screen and Defamer will link me. Gothamist wants to have eighteen of my babies, which is disgusting because my latest paternity test revealed Gothamist is one of my many illegitimate children.

I get ass through my blog. Thousands of women e-mail me a day, and I let the 10 hottest come over and service me orally while I mentally craft my next brilliant post. I blast rails of coke off my keyboard and the coke detritus that deposits itself between the keys enhances my laptop's blogging prowess. Nick Denton asked me to write for Gawker Media and I threw a wad of $10,000 bills in his face for making me laugh out loud. I have a fucking book deal. Blogebrity won't even add me because it's impossible to quantify my omnipotence through lettered lists.

After a particularly awesome post, I masturbate while re-reading my words. My semen is made of solid gold. Anyone who's ever had any success aside from me is a fucking hack and should choke on the vomit I expel from reading their garrulous prose.

I have a fucking blog.