I don't have time for this shit

I'm a busy motherfucker. See me on the subway platform, impatiently tapping my foot like an asshole, as if somehow the train will magically appear because I'm inconvenienced? I'm not just checking my watch every five seconds because it cost more than your life. I'm in a fucking hurry, and I certainly don't have time to wait for this Goddamn homeless trolley.

Once the train comes I'm going to box you out so I can be first on the car, but I won't actually go in more than a foot. I'm that asshole who stakes out the spot on the edge of the door and refuses to move, impeding your entrance and causing unnecessary crowding. But I don't give a fuck. I'm in a fucking rush, and I have to exit the train before all you other douchebags. No one else has anywhere to be besides me.

Why is there a giant fucking line at my favorite pizza place? Don't these assholes know this is my pizza place? I've spent so much Goddamn money at this joint that they have a fucking life-size sculpture of me in the back made out of pepperoni and garlic knots. What's that, fatty? Ordering a Diet Coke still doesn't rationalize three slices.

You have to be shitting me that we're stuck in fucking traffic. How the fuck could this happen? Why is every other car in the Goddamn world going in the same direction I am? Who the fuck is at the beginning of this bullshit? If we're delayed because of an accident and people are rubbernecking, I will ensure that they become part of said accident. You see me rolling down my window, alternating between muttering under my breath and obnoxiously sighing loudly while smoking a cigarette? That's right, that cigarette says I do not have fucking time for this.

Where the fuck is our food? I must've called the Chinese place a fucking year ago! How long does it take to wok up some Goddamn beef with broccoli? Fuck getting a tip, I'm going to rob this motherfucker when he shows up at my door.

What reason could you possibly have for walking so Goddamn slowly? This is New York fucking City, bitches. Any time you set foot on my pavement you should walk as if you're about to shit your pants. None of this slow, moseying around bullshit. You have a cane or a wheelchair? Cry me a Goddamn river. I have places to be, so either relearn how to walk or get the fuck out of my way.

How long does it take to order your Goddamn drink? You're ordering four fruity cocktails? Son of a bitch, as if I haven't been waiting at this bar for half my Goddamn life already. How fucking slow is this bartender? This service is absolute garbage. I'm only giving her a big tip because she's hot.

Are you coming home with me or what? I know I've spent all of two seconds talking to you, but you're wasted and a friend of mine fucked one of the bitches on Laguna Beach, so I'm semi-famous.

You want to keep fucking? Christ, I don't have all fucking night. Once I'm done I'm going to roll over and go to sleep. I don't have time for cuddling, and I definitely don't have time for this bullshit. No one has less patience than I do. I'm a busy motherfucker.