TIWWDN's Guide to Riding NYC Subways
1) When you see four lanes of people heading up the staircase upon departure from a train, impatiently push through the crowd, so you can obstruct traffic and bottleneck the shit out of people. This can be an especially effective manuever when you finally realize you're never going to catch the fucking subway I just exited. Much as I'm loath to admit it, I'm guilty of this infraction as well, and I know you're in as much of a rush as I am, but try waiting. There's another train coming. Promise.2) If you have a serious weight problem, walk as slowly as possible. It's cool; no one behind you is in a rush or anything.
3) Even if there are mere inches separating me from the individual sitting adjacent, please motion that I should shove over so you can try and sandwich your gigantic ass in between us. God forbid you don't have a seat.
4) If my platform is so crowded people are willingly hopping onto the tracks, please honk your horn when you finally decide to arrive and skip my station for no apparent reason whatsoever.
5) Be sure to stop at Third Avenue if you are the L train, 18th Street if you are the 1, or 28th Street if you are any number of trains. These are highly-trafficked areas and should be treated as such.
6) Get sick. Seriously, what could be better than riding on the train only to find yourself inexplicably delayed due to a "sick passenger"? Who are all these commuters riding the subway in such poor health that they actually require the entire line to stop because they can't exit the train under their own power?
7) Don't read my MetroCard. There's nothing I like better than missing my train due to a malfeasant turnstile.
8) Ask me for change. After I flatly refuse you, ask me again mere seconds later, because forgetting you already solicited me makes me want to help even moreso.
9) If you're going to be a lazy asshole and ride the escalator, stand on the left side and remain sedentary directly next to a person on the right, completely blocking my path and preventing those of us who actually like a little exercise to walk/run up the left side. I can only hope as payback that your children one day get stuck in the escalator a la Brodie's diatribe in "Mallrats": "Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator." We should all be so wise.
10) Pay $76 a month for the privilege of experiencing all of the above on a daily basis, knowing full well that it's still the best damn mass transit system in the world.
posted by LA at 7:28 AM
135 Comments:
I like how your guide to riding the subways isn't directed at anyone specifically, as it also includes tips for panhandlers, the train itself, and even the turnstiles.
I'm also starting to notice certain parallels on our sites.
In reference to #3...did it ever occur to you to possibly, as a young apparently healthy male give up your seat to an overweight person in a crowded, hot subway car? inconsiderate prick.
Pete, you know what they say about great minds...
This actually cracked me up. ok-i might be an asshole, I'm all for giving up my seat to the elderly, but as far as being overweight-for the most part THAT can be avoided
Maybe if you're in such a hurry and want some exercise, you should take the stairs and leave the escalator to the people who don't feel like trotting up the stairs.
I have read that many "sick passengers" are women who starve themselves to the point that they pass out if they have to stand in a hot subway car for any length of time. A little subway delay, all in the name of body dysmorphia.
I always get up for elderly or pregnants..but fatties; hell NO. They ate themselves into that situation let them suffer.
If your going to panhandle don't blow smoke up my arse and tell my your giving away food...like im going to eat a freaking PB&J sandwich that you made.
It's my understanding that the "sick passenger" thing is a ruse for "dead passenger." Or at least near-dead. In the case of dead, the police have to take some basic investigative steps -- take photos, etc. A lady who worked in my office whose husband worked for the MTA for decades says it's reserved for "haaart attacks and jump-ahs."
Why should someone get up for a fat person? Are you serious? Injured, elderly, pregnant - sure. Fat? Hell no. If I get there first and get the seat, it's MINE. I pay the same as you.
And seriously, there are some subways where taking the stairs full out is difficult for the most in shape people, especially on hot days. That doesn't mean that they shouldn't be allowed to walk up the escalator (on the left of course). Just because you're lazy and have no interest in getting to work on time doesn't mean you get to block the escalator for others.
I agree. Why should we give up our seats for a fat person? ederly? yes disabled? yes little kids? yes/maybe.
I would add to the list: People who don't take their back packs off! One slight move and they take you out. And people who think they are the only ones getting off on a busy stop. They start working their way through the crowd like all those people waiting by the doors are doing it for their health.
Ugh. I, as a fat person, can attest to the FACT that most, if not all fat people would rather stand than ask to sit in a small space sandwiched between two people--Larry, this is obviously a sad and very unclever attempt to bash fat people. You're an idiot. That said, we all know, as true New Yorkers, that it's aggravating when a skinny, small framed Asian woman sandwiches herself inbetween people when there is just a tiny fraction of a seat available. Larry-- go home to Michigan or Indiana, or Iowa, and leave us alone. You bigot.
Let me just reiterate: Just because Larry says fat people sak him to give up his seat, it doesn't mean it's true! I am a fat person and I would never humiliate myself like that. Larry doesn't know what he's talking about, I have never seen a fat person who felt entitled to take away someonelse's seat! Larry is a bigot and unfortunately 'fat prejudice' is still socially acceptable in our culture.
ask
Lol, I love comments like Anonymous' above that somehow presume I'm not from the city. Sorry, my friend, born and raised and lived in NYC my entire life.
Additionally, I'm a bigot? Since when are overweight people considered a race?
I have no problem with people who are overweight, but I do take issue when people who CLEARLY can't fit in whatever sliver of space might be available on the subway bench still try to anyway.
You should really lighten up - shed a couple pounds and grow a sense of humor.
yes, fatties of the world unite! go to www.bigfatblog.com
uh... sorry, asshole, but you're wrong. i have never seen a fat person ask to take a seat simply because they're fat. you're a liar, it's never happened to you, so just admit it. and just in case it has happened, why are you assuming the person wanted to take a seat because they're fat? maybe they had another condition that you didn't know about and HAD TO HAVE A SEAT...duh. You're stupid and you can't write well either. Give it up. You're not funny or clever or whatever you think you are.
and also, stupid, you don't have to be against a certain race in order to be a bigot, retard! you can be a bigot towards women, gays, disabled people, and fat people, like you are!
I happen to be bigoted towards slow people, like yourself.
First of all, you are an absolute moron. If your daily existence is so miserable that you feel the need to drop worthless anonymous comments on a blog post that you don't even understand, I feel sorry enough for you as it is and won't even waste my time picking you apart.
Stop clogging up the comments. They're here to promote intelligent and thoughtful discussion, and if you're going to conitnue to resort to childish name-calling, then expect to get deleted.
How about people that block the staircases trying to eke out those last seconds of their cell phone call before losing the signal underground.
To all the Fatty Boom Booms crying into their fourth serving of dinner...
If you don't like people talking about you, or the supposed "Fat Prejudice" and bigotry you're facing, here's a novel idea...
STOP FUCKING EATING AND GO TO A GODDAMN GYM.
In other, more relevant and important news -- A monthlong Metrocard is now $76?
-- Rick [Note the other novel idea that if I'm posting via the anonymous identity, I still include my name]
To an extent, i agree with some of the fat people posting. It's highly unlikely a fat person is going to squeeze in between two people or ask someone to give up their seat for them. honestly i have never seen that and i ride the subway every day.
on the other hand, what is irksome is when a fat person takes up two seats because they don't fit in one.
Escalators do not exist for the fat and lazy, they exist for the more expeditious movement of riders between floors. If riders of an escalator walk while ascending/descending -- as they're supposed to -- you don't encounter the kind of human logjam seen daily as indolent, self-serving douchebags laze mindlessly while letting the escalator do all the work.
Hey - how about this one. If you're standing on the platform at 34th St Penn Station during rush hour, and a train is arriving, be sure that at least three or four of you stand side-by-side in front of the train's doors before they open. It's not like anyone is going to get off at that stop anyway.
more like you won't "pick me apart" because you can't--i'm smarter than you.
and i understand perfectly fine, it's you that doesn't.
and all these angry jerks insulting fat people is really funny, when i'm sure most of them spewing these insults can afford to lose a few too.
'are really funny' i meant. don't get smart and think i'm retarded, i know when to correct my grammar.
Wow. You people have really intense feelings about the escalator. I always thought escalators were a a bit of a waste of time, but whatever. Some people like them, ok by me. I never knew you were "supposed" to walk on the escalator. That's certainly not the opinion of the guy who called me a nasty name once for doing just that. I am impressed with the passion of the escalator, though. Who knew? My main subway complaint is folks who don't pay proper attention to their hygene in the summer time, stinking up the car.
Hey, fat people who are fat because you're lazy/eat to much -- you burn more calories standing, so when I don't stand to let you in, it's actually because I want to help you, not because I hate you. To the 1% of fat people who are actually fat because of some health problem, I'm sorry, but I have to assume that you are not most people.
As for the stairs/escalator thing: most escalators, in fact, have signs stating that if you're on the left side, you should be fucking moving your fat ass, or something to that effect. Some people take the escalator so they can get to the top faster by walking along with it, not so they can stand three across and gab to their idiot friends. Also, I present People's Exhibit A: the fucking unbelievably long stairway at 59th Street going between the express and local trains -- ain't nobody need to walk all those stairs, healthy or no, but some folks don't feel like standing around on the escalator, either.
My my, a lot of fatties hiding behind their anonymity.
And I agree with the 4:11 pm Anonymous that a fat person taking up more than one seat is annoying. Or taking up more than one seat, period.
But the most annoying thing is homeless guys who shit their pants. I wish they wouldn't do that.
Let me tell you, there are PLENTY of fat people, or at least people with huge asses, who LOVE to squeeze in tiny spaces between people sitting on the train. For example, the J train at rush hour. Try it once. You'll love it, especially when it's raining.
Oh, and how about this one: when it's raining and hot outside, please be sure to turn the fucking heat on full blast on the train. Even if the thermometer says 90 degrees, rest assured, it's always really cold out when it's raining, and people love to be hot, sticky and soaked at 8am.
I have two friends who work for the MTA and they have both told me that "sick passenger" is usually a jumper. I don't know if it's true, but if nothing else, it's a cleverly perpetuated MTA legend that deserves respect.
I also have a friend who swears he saw a dead woman on the train, and when he told the conductor, he made a "sick passenger" announcement.
And just to drag this out a little more, once I heard a sick passenger announcement and when we arrived at the station in question, there was a guy surrounded by EMTs breathing into a machine.
All of the above lead me to believe that it is, in fact, reserved for serious illness/death.
I believe this. I got really drunk one night and puked all over the car on the train ride home. Nothing happened, as far as I can recall.
But dammit, I was sick!
>ggravating when a skinny, small framed >Asian woman sandwiches herself inbetween >people when there is just a tiny
why target asian women in particular?
who's the bigot now, anonymous?
#11: If you're going to ride the subway, shut the fuck up about it. Or don't ride it. The only thing worse than all the shit you have to put up with in the subway is a whiner.
A couple of comments.
1. Some stations only have escalators as an exit at certain points -- stairs aren't an option.
2. I get fat people trying to wedge in to sit beside me all the time. I always give up my seat for the pregnant, the elderly, and kids -- and if an overweight person squeezes in beside me, there's a good chance I will give up my seat at that point rather then be fatted upon. Sorry, that's just the way it is.
3. Ever been to the Grand Street stop on the B/D? For some reason, the Chinese at that stop (note this a cultural, not a racist thing) feel the need to crowd the doors and rush in as SOON as the doors open, as if the train won't wait for those of us getting off to actually exit the train. UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING.
Dude - Phenomenal write-up. Kudos. I will come back and re-read this often. It reminds me, in tone, of another one that re-read often: http://www.phat5.com/features.asp?StoryID=239&SectionID=11
another gem Larry....couldn't agree more!
Let me add...I go against the flow of traffic at Grand Central in the Morning....two escalators going up, one narrow staircase going down. You have two options, I have one...by all means, please use the only avenue I have to go down and then rush past me with elbows flying.
And when I get to the bottom and the flow of human lemmings is coming up the staircase, please make sure you all go 15 people wide so the rest of us can't get down.
uh... thanks for stating the obvious! you're really clever and observant!
I don't like rule number one. the rest is perfect. rule number one is fucking stupid though. I should stand at the top of the stairs and twiddle my motherfucking thumbs while a horde of zombies trapple up the stairs like it is a one-way street? Is there a sign I missed that said stairways are only for slow, retarded assholes to climb up? what is polite about letting business cows walk nine across up a stairwell? no one in this fucking city has any idea how to walk. keep to the right and leave room on the left. sure, it's 9 am and we'd all rather be in bed naked eating pineapple watching an old movie on AMC but let's not shut the fucking city down over how fucking bummed we are to commute. Identify another pedestrian and make room for them or don't use the goddamn subway.
same goes for people who rush to get on before I get off. here's an idea: when I get off there will be way more room for you in this cattle car. just chill out for 1.3 seconds.
Wow... so I was just going to note that of all the subway systems I've ever been on (Japan, London, NYC, Boston, DC, Philadelphia) I think the best is DC. Note that this is an opinion not an objective statement of fact, so people are free to disagree with me, so long as they are skinny (see how I got involved the whole fat people argument, too? Ah, fun).
Where are all you people who give up their seats for pregnant women? I am 5 months pregnant and am often trampled by some idiot racing to get a seat. The same idiot then looks me up and down with a pathetic guilty look on their face from their little perch, knowing full well that they just pushed a pregnant woman aside in their pursuit of a much-coveted seat. And by the way, if I ask you to remove your bag so I can sit down, don't give me a dirty look and sneer-did you pay $2 for your precious bag to have a seat?!?! For shame!
Obviously you are not smart enough to correct your grammar, and are, as you might opine, "a retard".
"and i understand perfectly fine, it's you that doesn't"
First of all, you can't understand anything "fine", because it is not an adverb.
Second, it's "you that don't". Subject/verb agreement comes in handy in this modern age
-hb
sick passenger=stabbed passenger
LOVE it!
I miss the "Stand on the Right" signs by the escalators in the London tube. Whether or not I agree with leaving space for people to walk on the escalators (I personally do), I think it's a good idea to have some sort of general regulation about the idea from on high. Even without the signs, I always try to squish as far as possible to the right and stand behind or in front of friends on the escalators.
My "favorite--please note the heavy sarcasm--subway move is when someone steps around and in front of you to "look down the track" and then backs up into you to get in front of you. Look: if you want to step in front, please just do it--don't pretend you have an ulterior motive.
Love it. Think you should include: When both the station and the train are crowded, upon the opening of the doors take a single step in. Stand there as long as you need, looking from left to right for an available seat or a nice place to stand. The people behind you do not need to get into the train before the doors close.
And no offense to all the fat people posting, but a lot of ya'll do this. ;)
Here's one to add to the list:
By all means, please feel free to eat a full meal on your lap and if you can, make sure it is something especially pungent such as that fried chicken they make in chinese restaurants.
Oh. And when you're done? Smear grease all over the seats on either side of you and discard your trash on the floor.
Ever been to the Grand Central stop on the A/C? For some reason, the Whites at that stop (note this a cultural, not a racist thing) feel the need to crowd the seats and rush to sit as SOON as the doors open, as if the seats won't wait for those of us getting off to actually exit the train. UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING.
Another thing to do on the subway is notice me standing very near but not inside the "Step Aside" yellow square on the platform that lines up with the train doors (they have them at 59th St., I can't think of where else). Now, you, dear fellow transit rider, trot over to me and stand IN FRONT of me INSIDE the "Step Aside" square. Not only was I there first (although it's not like anyone's getting on in single file), but you should be stepping aside for people getting off the train (as others have already pointed out on this post). That happens to me every morning.
i think your guide is a big fat yawn to anybody who's lived in NYC longer than 6 months. you must be a good friend of somebody at Gawker.
Don't forget to whip your dick out and rub it, perv-style, against my butt during the morning commute.
Some a-hole did this to me this morning on the E train, between 7th Ave & 50th St. heading east.
You forgot some classics:
1) Tourists reading the subway map on the freaking stairs of Union Station when you are attempting the impossible L to 4/5 transfer.
This is ground for checking your midwestern ass into the boards, and stealing your map. Done it.
2) Speaking of L, I personally enjoyed watching the hipster parade jockey for the best position to get the choice seats on the last two cars, even though I had room to read the paper in the front two. Suffer for fashion, I guess.
3) You regretfully didn't speak of the G, the only train that doesnt go to Manhattan. If you are looking for a leisurely ride from Brooklyn to Queens, take this one. When I had to ride this daily with whores and pimps on their way to Long Island City, I was able to sit my coffee on the seat next to me and not worry about the speed of the train tipping it over.
4) Take the JMZ, not only do you get a seat with a view on the scenic Williamsburg bridge, they got those Jamacian stewardest type ladies to hook you up with coffee and snacks like you were flying American. The kids who break dance for money is great entertainment too.
5) If a car is empty upon arrival during rush hour in August, you can bet there is a bum in there that makes Staton smell nice.
6) Last I heard, bikes worked better on the streets than in a subway car working my ass. Don't make me do to you what i do to taxis when I am on my bike. Which has never seen the inside of a subway car.
And as for you fat fucks whose sweat gravy use to smear me down in crowded subway cars, look at the old train's seats. See that shit? See how small that is? That is what a normal ass size is considered, and has been considered since we built the damn subway all those years ago. If you can't stop popping Twinkies in your god damn mouth like they were diet pills going out of style to notice, I don't give a flying fuck if your girth is crushing your unused knees and muscles. Like to see your fat ass run from hoodlums that were ramptant in the 80s, in fact, i'd pay. Go ahead fatty, cry, cry those krispie kreme laced tears. Fat fuck.
ran scot, notoriously (so you wouldnt say i was bitch like your mom and not put in my name)
at one point the new yorker published a short item about people who listen to police scanners in the city and a fact mentioned was that about 2 or 3 people per month jump or "fall" in front of a train. its not reported because it happens too often and they dont involve "foul play."
also to add to the great subway behavior tips -- im going castrate the next douche bag i encounter whose balls are apparently sooo fucking huge that if their legs arent spread as far apart as possible their balls would be totally crushed.
lastly, if you think the subway sucks, try riding the cross town buses with the crotchety old ladies who always get off at the front and take 6 hours to do so.
giving up seats for people: a seat should be given up for someone who is elderly or pregnant, and sometimes i've seen people give up seats for subway riders who are carrying very large, awkward packages.
what i LOVE to see are people who pretend to not notice when any of those passengers just mentioned gets on a subway train. people pretend to be asleep, etc. it's rather funny when you think about it.
as for large folks, my feeling is that if you take up two seats, you should two fares. i'm no skinny minny, but once a woman tried to squeeze into a small seat next to me and actually had part of her practically sitting on me. tres uncomfortable.
i could not agree with the blogger more when it comes to slowpokes on the subway. if you want to saunter and walk slowly on the platform, do it at 4am when nobody is there. the subway should not be a place to lolly gag but to rev up and go, even around 10, since the trains are less frequent so you HAVE to run to catch one. everybody has to get to their destination, and by walking slow you presume that nobody else besides you is in a hurry.
how about that one annoying person who whines loudly at rush hour that people are pushing them? last time i checked, nyc was the largest city in this country with over 6 million people living and working here, and a hell of a lot of that 6 million use the subway during rush hour. if you don't expect someone to be pushing or touching you in new york city on the subway or otherwise, then here's an idea: move to idaho! there's plenty of room there!
You fatty bitches. Stop complaining and practice the art of self-discipline! You didn't get to be the corpulent mass you are by some strong sense of restraint.
And the bigot comment is way off base. Good way to misuse a word, fatsos...
Pretty much goes for any subway anywhere at anytime. Also, assholes come in all shapes, sizes, colors, religions-the human race is good like that.
I have no problem with #1. Those four lines of people can just move the fuck out of my way.
Please add:
--Be sure to stop in the middle of the stairs to answer your cell phone. It also helps if you have a double-wide stroller so you can block as much traffic as possible.
--Ladies, be sure to wear the highest heels possible, so you can clop slowly, slowly down the stairs, especially during rush hour.
I'm surprised at how many posters think pregnant women automatically rate a seat. If I didn't get you that way, then I don't see how your comfort is in any way my responsibility. Kids either. They have lower centers of gravity and ought to be able to stand much more easily than a full-grown adult anyway...
Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I am selling candy not for no basketball team but to keep me off the streets and put a little money in my pocket. I only have the new M+M's and Skittles left. Would anyone like to buy?
do you have any dollar batteries?
Dear "hb"
I'm not the person you tried to give a grammar lesson to, but I'm writing to tell you that you left a period outside of your quotation marks.
this is a true sign of someone who has a crush on his mother.
thanks,
Joey SexLax
Dumbass:
I know I'm blocking your way getting out of the subway, but did it occur to you, maybe I shouldn't miss my train and wait for fifteen minutes so you can leave the station 30 seconds early?
There's two lanes in each direction. get with the program or go back to your chosen suburb.
p.s. you can't handle standing on the train, but you want to run up the escalator? wtf, lardo...
Stroll said...
"Love it. Think you should include: When both the station and the train are crowded, upon the opening of the doors take a single step in. Stand there as long as you need, looking from left to right for an available seat or a nice place to stand. The people behind you do not need to get into the train before the doors close."
People who block the doors of a subway car with room inside (either by getting on and standing just inside or by planting themselves at the door as it opens). Fuckers should have their subway privileges revoked. Nothing but taxis and buses for one month.
I have to take issue with item 1 as well...nothing is more frustrating than running to get onto a train while a bunch of people block the stairs onto the platform. They've just gotten *off* the train, stepping aside or walking behind instead of beside someone isn't going to lead to their having to stand in a stiflingly hot subway platform for five minutes.
I agree wholeheartedly with most of the article above, but if there is a stairway next to an escalator, please take the stairs. All you jerks running up the side of the escalator, bumping into people, are dangerous. It should be illegal--not to mention, it only gets you to the top a few seconds faster than if you stood still or walked up the stairs.
And for all those people who stop halfway up the stairs to open your umbrella in the rain, you're not going to melt if you get a few drops of water on you. Wait until you get to the top, out of everybody's way!
I've never lived in a city with a subway before, but isn't there some other way to get around? For you people who use it for exercise, can't you leave earlier and walk on the sidewalk?
I mean, really, I can't imagine doing something every day that I despise so much.
Oh, and I love Gawker. :)
Amanda -
No, most of us cannot just walk. You obviously have no idea how large New York is.
How about this...
please, please, please crowd around the doors and then stand there staring blankly at my face when the doors open, as if you don't realize I might want to get off the lovely subway train. Or better yet, try your best to push past me as I'm exiting the train, so as to plant your fat, lazy ass in the first available seat as quick as humanly possible. God forbid you might have to stand for 20 minutes.
What the fuck is wrong with all of you having problems with Rule #1?
Let's lay it out simply: If I'm coming up the stairs, the train has already left!!!
If anything, you're just rushing to get underground faster -- and wait longer.
Let the people get up the stairs (30 seconds, max), then proceed calmly down.
On an escalator, you stand on the right and walk on the left. Those of you who feel differently are just straight up wrong. Some stations have signs. When I encounter someone blocking the 'passing lane', they get bumped. Am I a dick? Maybe. But it makes me feel better. Same goes for those people who stop on the stairs w/ their fucking cell phone. And the idiots who stop at the top of the stairs trying to figure out which direction they want to walk. There is a special ring of hell reserved for those assholes who try to push in the car or block the door when I am trying to exit. No mere bump for them, a full on body check is in order. If they are inconsiderate, why can't I be?
Here's a couple more...
11) When I'm sitting in the seat right next to the door, I really appreciate it when you lean your ass on my shoulder. There's nothing I like better than the smell of a strangers ass on my clothes.
12) When a train is packed to the gills, it's especially considerate to lean all over the pole thus denying anyone else the opportunity to use it. Or if someone is hanging on to the pole, lean directly against their hand, pounding against it every time the train lurches.
13) Please feel free to eat your nasty, smelly, greasy fast food in a crowded train-car. There's nothing I like better than the smell of a nice jerk chicken platter flooding a train at 9 AM. (This really happened). Remember the more sauce you can slop on your neighboring passengers the more "points" you get.
14) When you're the single parent of nineteen small children. It's perfectly OK let them run around the train car like crazy people.
"Sometimes comments are the best part." :)
Just reading through the posts here, I realize that the bulk of us are Good Subway Riders. From the empirical evidence gathered on my daily ride, I can only conclude that this might be all of us -- the ten or fifteen (?) people posting right here. It'll have to be a guerilla effort seeing as there are so few of us, but we should start a revolution.
Some things I'd like to add to our charter:
Elevators: "Stand aside" and "let 'em off" applies. (After the 5,000th time you've ridden an elevator, you should learn that in a busy building there is LIKELY going to be someone getting off. Don't stand their with your fucking nose between the cracks of the doors.)
People who do not pick up their dog's shit: Will be forced to eat it on sight.
Who's with me?
My favorite announcement in a crowded as hell subway car: "We gotta close the doors - pull 'em on or push 'em off!"
Really excellent. But i would like to add one more thing. When there are two super fat people on each seat next to me and I am so wedged in that i can hardly breathe I usually wait for a third fat person to enter the car and then "empathetically" offer my seat to him/her to piss the other two fat asses off.
There definintely is a problem with number 1. If you tried that shit in Europe, where the subway systems are significantly more organized, they'd just knock you right over. There's no such thing as 4 lines of people storming up stairs. You walk on the right, plain and simple. That way, both parties are happy and only inconvenienced by a few added seconds. During rush hour it is very likely that you can miss 1-2 trains by waiting at the top for 4 lines of no-subway-etiquette New Yorkers to have their way up the stairs.
-J
PS. I'm definitely guilty of doing whatever I need to do to get my ass on the train when I'm late. I think we all are...
the MTA is run by crooks and staffed by morons.... vive le subway!!
For the 5:13 p.m. poster - it's called respect and common decency asshole! It doesn't matter if you didn't knock her up.
You don't know WHY a person is fat and is walking slowly -- so have a little compassion for fellow human beings who are tired and stressed and trying to get through the day. Your remarks about the fat and slow moving don't make you sound clever and edgy, they just reveal you to be an asshat. You might want to keep your asshatness a secret, especially if you hope to keep friends or get laid on a regular basis. The day will come when you too will be tired and ungainly for whatever reason. Unless you die young, which would leave more room on the subway for the rest of us.
You know, I've never cared much for fat people.
This is hilarious! Except for the overweight comments. I can't remember a time when an overweight person tried to sit next to me or on me for that matter. But then again I live in Seattle now and wish that all Seattlelites read this blog. There are no rules here for escelators and I always want to walk up them but would have to be excusing myself all the time to get around people...and they are a bit larger here on the west coast. Oh, my subway days are gone...for now. Best of luck to the rest of you.
I have to add one...breast feeding on the subway...pump much!
I don't hate fat people or anything, but I have to say one really pissed me off the other day. I looked so cute in my all-white suit and then all of the sudden Fats McGee busts through the door and attempts to sit next to me in the 4 inch space between me and another person. Like a big cellulite domino he knocked into me, and I in turn fell onto the person next to me, whose coffee flew everywhere and absolutely ruined my suit. I had to walk around all day like that. I hate that guy.
How to keep me happy on the subway:
Don't stand too close to me in a NON-crowded train.
And try not to breathe on me in a crowded train. I should not have to feel your breath on my shoulder as we ride.
Actually "rush" during "rush hour." I sprained my ankle a few weeks ago, and still managed to walk faster than half the people exiting the station.
Don't hog the pole when it's crowded.
Say "excuse me" when you need to move me out of your way to exit from the middle of the car. We all have to do it sometimes, so being polite about it goes a long way.
Don't pretend like you're simply trying to get past me, so that I squish into people, only for you to stop right next to me so that you've taken the person-sized spot I'd carved out. That only leaves me awkwardly compressed against people who now think I'm the asshole for pushing into them until the train clears.
Good Lordy. Too much to comment on here.
I have had a TON of fat people wedge themselves next to me. I guess I have a thing about being forced to touch other people, though -- particularly butt-to-butt -- so, as an able-bodied person, I just get up and stand. Shocks a few, but the point is clear: I don't really want to touch your ass, thanks much.
I also should say: even a 115-lb person looks fat to a 105-lb person. This is all relative. The seats are NOT for normal-sized people -- the seat sizes are clearly made up. Even Twiggy couldn't sit in one of those things and not touch the Twiggy next to her, esp. with her Berkin and LL Bean boat toat curled under her arms.
Another note of compassion: Even though it is INCREDIBLY frustrating when a slower person is ahead of you on the platform or the stairs, and it seems INCONCEIVABLE that this person wouldn't just stand aside while the rush goes by and then attempt exit, sometimes slow people are in a hurry too -- and with much more reason.
That having been said, what's up with the strollers at rush hour? The barn-raised morons who throw newspaper, bottles and other trash under the seat as if to say, My $2 pays for trash removal? (I still have to look at it.) What's up with wet umbrella stains on the seats when it's raining? (You have just ruined that seat for a few hours.) And don't even get me started on tourists. Could they be louder? Take more pictures? Have conversations across the aisle from each other? These people talk like they're on a long distance line from St. Louis to NYC (see Meet me in...). Enough with the smelly food, and -- ready? -- the subway is not a proper venue for clipping fingernails. No, really! Finally, I am sick of musicians, both real/talented and "aspiring." Just assume I have a headache already!
I always cab it in NYC or walk. Besides, I love walking slow in front of impatient little assholes like you. It allows me a chance to fart and leave you in my vapor trail.
After 8 years in Manhattan, I just thought I'd share my experiences in Osaka's transport system, which is not as big or old as NYC, but there are more people here.
There are only a couple of things NYC has over the trains here: Japan trains charge by distance. So i pay roughly 3X to get around. And oh yeah, no transfers or monthly unlimited cards. And the trains in Japan shut down at midnight... other than that;
Everyone stands aside, single file. In one year, I've been cut in front of maybe 5 times (always old ladies).
# of times I've seen people give up a seat for any reason: ~6
# of homeless on the train: 0
# of people selling shit: 0
# of beggars: 0
# of stations I've seen with air-conditioned areas and rather clean public restrooms: All
# of trains arriving behind schedule: 1 (Once, on a ride from Kyoto, the conductor got on the intercom and apologized profusely for about a minute how the train was experiencing a TWO minute delay due to an earthquake)
Amount of trash left behind: None. (Well, the occasional newspaper/manga)
# of people seen eating on train: Meh, a handful of kids
# strollers on train: ~ 10 total
# bicycles: 0
# aikido swords/lacrosse sticks/6.5-foot archery bows/field hockey clubs: plenty
... just sayin'.
larry,
coppee says that she misses your shitty columns and that you gave a lot of diseases to those freshman ladies. but hey, you must've thrown about a million dance parties. go d-phi!
I don't even know what it says about me that I read through this conversation. But now it is my turn to add something:
This talk of fat folks has grown tired, particularly when the anti-fat folks presume that they know how much a person eats and exercises based on a glance. Sure you could be right, but you could be wrong. You know nothing beyond that person's behavior at the moment.
I'm surprised there hasn't been a discussion about guys who sit on a seat and then spread their legs so fricking wide. Talk about taking up more than one seat.
Ultimately, anyone who shoves themselves where they do not fit, or shoves themselves in front of you only to walk at a creeping pace while wobbling back and forth to make passing impossible-- those people suck, and they could be fat or not. Some of us can actually walk, and like to exercise that ability.
I won't even begin to discuss the nastiness of those who cough without covering their mouths or those who decide to clip their nails on the subway. Not only because it is gross, but because I fear this has all been covered by Time Out, and that embarasses me a little.
(Apologies for the poor grammar and style.)
I refuse to give up my seat to blacks, jews, latinos, gays, the elderly, the homeless, asians, aleuts, eskimos, native americans,people from Europe, White trash, guys wearing incredibly gay pastel colored suit jackets from J Crew, blue collar workers,people who are reading teh New York Times and tourists from California. I only give my seat up to attractive white women under 30.
I am a bigot, not Larry.
Hi-Larry-ous comments about Larry's bigotry. And even if some porker never asked for Larry's seat, the emotional truth is valid in his statement. It certainly got a rise out of eveyone, and isn't that all that matters in the end?
Hey person who fled to Seattle because they could not make it in new york because they're a loser:
My wife can breast-feed my child on the train any time she wants. And when you use little phrases like "pump much?" ??? what is this 1994? Do you have all the episodes of Friends on DVD? Go get some hair gel.
And to the other dipshit: She can bring her stroller on at rush hour, too. Is it her fault you are a working stiff? it's New York asshole. Your rush hour is someone else's lunch time.
Lets not forget the men who sit with their legs so freakin far apart (need space for those huge penises and giant balls huh) they take up space for 2 people. Forget the fat people for a second lets talk about that shyt.
The people who read that insanely large NY Times, arms spread eagle, without folding it at least 3 times.
My favorites are the people who yawn, cough, sneeze, belch and anything else that exudes hideous morning breath and germs into my already putrid subway air without covering their mouths! NOBODY WANTS TO SMELL YOUR BREATH PEOPLE!
silence should be mandatory on trains between the hours
of, say, 6am and 11am. I'm so sick of having to listen to
some dumb bitch screaming an asinine story about her yoga
instructor while her "friend" (it's obvious the met maybe
twice through some mutual acquaintence) howls with
laughter.
Then, of course, the "batree one dolla" lady shows up to
crawl through the car...
Mmmm... my absolute fave is when it's a trillion sweaty degrees out so I dare to wear a tank top into the dank underbelly of our transit system and some motherfucker walks onto the empty car, grabs the bar over where I'm sitting like he's going to knee my in the teeth, and then proceeds to stand there and stare down at me and my tits for 45 minutes straight.
Hello? I'm 3 feet away from you and CLEARLY fantasizing about what it would take for me to punch you in the dick and get away with it.
What is the deal with kids anyway? I always see people actually trying to give up a perfectly good seat to some little sticky fingered rugrat. Aren't they supposed to have more energy than adults? They don't pay to ride the train anyway.They just walk under the turnstile and then get a seat??? I worked all day and paid to ride the train.
Once a man actually let his daughter put her feet in my lap - dirty shoes and all. When I looked at him like I may murder her, he just gave me that, "isn't she so cute" smile parents have. I really wanted to stick him with the dry cleaning bill.
What about the idiots who preach on the train, especially at 7am. The "god heals all" speeches and "praise the almighty" should really just shut the fuck up, get off the train, and try getting a job. I don't think anyo