The Single Guy's Guide to Sleeping with Unattractive Women
One of the inherent traits of being a Single Guy is that you make your living hooking up with considerably less-than-desirable girls, because let's face it: if they were attractive enough in the first place, you wouldn't bother bedding and discarding them, you'd actually make an attempt at establishing a long-term, loving relationship. The problem is, unattractive girls are almost never aware of the fact that Single Guys are making a huge concession by hanging out with them and that they are nowhere near the top of the preference list when it comes to who a Single Guy actually wants to spend time/be seen with. So here are some tips for the ugly set; this way you won't get your heart broken and you and your Single Guy can continue having passionless, emotionless drunk sex without anyone's feelings getting hurt.
1) If we actually wanted to pursue a serious relationship with you, chances are we wouldn't have drunkenly slept with you within three hours of us meeting.
2) Don't get angry at us when we ask you to leave at five in the morning because we're too embarrassed to be caught by our roommates. If by some miraculous happenstance we are too drunk to kick you out, don't even think about asking us to pay for your breakfast.
3) Do you really think we want to be your boyfriend if the earliest you hear from us on a weekend night is 2 a.m.? What part of "I'm drunk, come over, let's have sex" don't you understand?
4) Please don't cuddle with us. There's plenty of room on the other side of the bed, or the floor.
5) There is no way we're fucking you without a condom on. Only God and half the population of Murray Hill know where you've been.
6) We can and will act completely irrational at a moment's notice. We will randomly cold shoulder you but the second we get horny we will sweet talk your panties right off.
7) Any attempt to have a serious "chat" will be met with a brief period of indifference shortly followed by the absence of us from your life.
8) Never, ever, under any circumstances tell us you're in love with us. There is no possible way we have done anything to merit such a bold statement.
9) If you stalk us down at a bar and you see us exchange knowing glances with our friends and burst into laughter, yes, it's you.
10) Why didn't we call you last night? Chances are we were screwing another unwitting girl who will be removed from the premises as soon as we're finished.
posted by LA at 7:22 AM
19 Comments:
Word! LoL, thank god I'm married! Brillant as usual!
That's all fine and well stated. What have you to say for us good looking girls who get treated equally shittily or worse by Single Guys such as yourself? Also, I'd bet my sweet ass you'd sleep with a hot girl within 3 hours of knowing her if she was down.
Brutal but so, so necessary.
Just remember boys, it works both ways. So, if I'm on the other side of the bed in the morning and none of my body parts are touching yours, do not propose brunch.
I was drunk and you were convenient.
Oh Larry.....once again, bravo.
Anonymous, perhaps one day I'll do the Single Guy's Guide to Sleeping with Attractive Women, however the process would certainly be expedited if you could find me some attractive women who aren't complete bitches.
And yes, you're right, I would sleep with a hot girl within three hours of knowing her, but that's because I'm easy. If I haven't made it painfully obvious on this blog, I hate having to do work to get ass; I've always preferred girls going after me.
Seriously, all you really have to do is let me know you're interested, liquor me up and you can probably get with me; it's really not that hard.
On a side note, I love that only women have commented on this post, and that all the comments have been positive. I was afraid some people might misconstrue this post, but you guys all got it. God, I love my readers.
Sorry to rain on your parade, but you sound like a big asshole. You complained in an earlier post that you couldn't find a girl who was smart enough for you, yet now you say that you're making a "big concession" to hang out with less attractive girls. Did it ever occur to you that maybe the smart girls don't want you because you value them as T+A first, brains second?
Did it ever occur to him that he comes off like a cretinous loser who can't get ANY kind of decent ass, under any circumstances, and is only making excuses? Oh wait, I mean he sounds SO TOUGH and MANLY and, of course, intelligent.
Your mother was lying, you're hideous.
So how many GUYS have you slept with?
hee hee. that's so sad.
dear larry...
u seem like quite an interesting guy. i certainly have gotten some good laughs out of your blogs because, let's face it, a lot of it is raw truth. on the other hand, if you say that attractive girls seem to all be bitches maybe it is because you are alternatively THEIR unattractive screw. maybe they're not even screwing you because you are not even worthy of an unattractive screw to them....no offense!... so maybe by now you've realized that the reason that people haven't often proclaimed this raw truth is because it shows their inability to get the attractive girls.... anyway, just thought i'd lay that on ya. keep up the good work, however! ;)
Amy,
A) Point out one instance on my blog where I proclaim all attractive women to be bitches. I guarantee you I have never written anything to that effect.
b) Nice attempt to try to take me down a notch, but I've never been anyone's unattractive screw. Sure, I've had my share of foibles in bed, but at least I always look good doing it. If you don't believe me, let's meet up and fuck.
You really aren't very attractive though.
Larry;
"find me some attractive women who aren't complete bitches."
Amy;
"on the other hand, if you say that attractive girls seem to all be bitches maybe it is because you are alternatively THEIR unattractive screw"
Larry;
"Amy,
A) Point out one instance on my blog where I proclaim all attractive women to be bitches. I guarantee you I have never written anything to that effect."
heh????
I read your little guy, and I must you say you no morals, ethics, values, or principles. And one more things you dont respect women at all.I would never do that to women, because I do not date on looks alone. Finally that guy shows what kinda character you have. That was just sicking.
I don't seem to be understanding this, and my opinion of New York has been taken down quite a notch since reading your blogs, btw. so, WHY do you sleep with women you find unattractive in the first place? Plus, as said in previous reply, "I'd bet my sweet ass you'd sleep with a hot girl within 3 hours of knowing her if she was down." As I'm sure that's true, please explain the incongruity, since you're giving me such a brutally honest (cruel, depressing, arrogant- but honest) insight into the male mind.
did it ever occur to you that maybe you're the unattractive one and you cant pull girls because they're out of your league so you have to settle for the less attractive? or that maybe the girls you use are merely using you? i think its extremely pathetic that you assume that they will chase after you! you sound like a shallow, arrogant pig who clearly hasnt got a clue about anything and needs to grow up and get a life. Take a look in the mirror i bet you're nothing special either
What a horrible useless piece of crap this blog is. I can't stand people like you who think it's okay to treat people different and worse simply because of the way they look. I can't believe I even wasted my time reading that garbage...that's certainly a good 2-3 minutes of my life that I regret wasting.
Grow up, get over yourself & never assume you can make such comments in the future because I am sure you are far from perfect yourself!!!!
But you are obviously writing this kind of shit just to stir up trouble...get a LIFE!!!!
You really aren't attractive enough to be writing this, which is what I suspected before I even saw your picture. If you were attractive, you wouldn't be fucking so many ugly chicks, end of story. Don't kid yourself into thinking that the only reason you fuck the ugly ones is because you're not interested in pursuing a relationship with a "worthy" girl.
You see, it's really quite simple: Hot guys fuck hot girls.
And by the way, who is this girl you are describing? I truly believe in my heart there is no one chick stupid enough to possess any of these qualities nor put up with any of this behavior from the likes of YOU, sir.
So did you refer back to your locker room days? You know, back when yous guys would trade stories about tit size and blowjob abilities and secretly compare dick sizes? A list this stereotypical could only have been spawned from an equally imaginary place, right?
What's closer to the truth is it's probably a composite of a handful of less-than-stellar girls who were drunk enough to be talked into sleeping with you. Either way, it's not funny cause it's not true.
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