Thanks for sucking

It's absolutely hilarious that AM New York, recently celebrating its one-year anniversary, is still in existence. I suppose I'm only doing my part to prolong its misery by compulsively picking up a copy every morning, because it's a great idea in theory - a newspaper brief enough to digest on your morning commute.

I hate being idle in the subway - especially if there are no cute girls who I will never actually speak with to make eyes at - so I welcome the availability of free reading material. Plus, this allows one to appear as if they're deeply engaged in the paper while stealthly stealing glances if there are in fact cute girls on your subway car.

Despite AM NY's good intentions, it is quite possibly one of the most pathetic attempts at journalism I've ever seen. Every issue is riddled with typos (I guess it's hard to afford a copy editor when you're giving your rag away) - hell, my high school newspaper looked better and was a more entertaining read.

But easily the worst aspect of AM NY has to be the collection of human beings they employ that purport themselves as writers. Sweet Jesus, has anyone on that staff advanced past a 6th grade writing level? Page after abysmal page of God-awful tripe. The handful of non-AP news stories they actually report on are OK at best, but the paper really resembles soiled toilet paper when you get to the op-ed page.

I'd link to some of the most egregious examples, but in true AM-NY fashion, their web site sucks. There are a handful of links to stories on the New York Newsday site (AM NY's big brother), but aside from offering a PDF download of the day's issue, navigation is nonexistent. Felice Cohen has no business earning a living as a writer for a newspaper of any kind. If you've ever read her awful column, it sounds like it was taken verbatim out of some junior high schooler's diary. Jonah Goldberg sounds like the most condescending asshole this side of Rush Limbaugh, and Channel 11's Jim Watkins should stick to anchoring newscasts, because judging by his prose it's pretty clear that his mother drank heavily during her pregnancy.

Despite these massive wastes of trees and ink, there's one columnist that trumps them all - AM NY's "sex" columnist, Ronnie Koenig. Ronnie used to edit Playgirl or some such nonsense, so apparently this makes her an authority on sex, which means she uses her column to parrot blatantly obvious advice. Today's column is entitled "Six signs she may not like you," and here are some of Ronnie's helpful hints:

- She's not dressed up
- She wolfs down messy food
- She calls you sweet or cute
- She sets you up with her friends
- She is softly crying as you make love to her
- She gets a restraining order against you

Holy shit, Ronnie, it fucking hurts when six anvils are dropped on my head!

Keep up the good work!